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Dear Future Grandkids, Once upon a time there was a fairy godmother named Momow. Like all fairies she was magical, but Momow was special because she only used her magic for good. Her most powerful spell was love, a spell she shared with friends and neighbors, but most of all she shared it with children. I am one of them, and each day I try to remember that magic so that I can share it with you. Every trip to visit Momow was magical. She cast her spell by listening...sometimes for hours. When she listened she made you feel important. She made you feel special. Her tenderness created feelings of love that also gave you strength. Strength to say "I'm sorry". Strength to listen. Strength to feel like everything is going to be OK. Momow was no pushover. She always made you do your chores and never let you get away with a lie. She would patiently wait for you to come around to admitting your mistakes. She was loving-but-firm...never cursing or yelling unless she stubbed her toe. Her home was always wholesome. Her food was always healthy. She made beautiful fires on the back porch that warmed our toes while we rocked in Amish rocking chairs. No one ever drank alcohol or played video games. No one stared at their phones or their computers. Everyone helped prepare the food and wash the dishes. Everyone shared their struggles and listened with understanding. We never talked about fancy cars, brand clothes, or buying bigger houses. When she wasn't listening to our stories, Momw would talk about helping those in need and protecting the environment. Momow taught us to feel empathy, respect the animals, care for the soil and love the planet. She showed us how to plant trees and prairie grass. She showed us how to prune the trees and burn the prairie grass so they grow back stronger. We would go around town cutting branches away from stop signs to make our community safer. We read books about sustainable farming, and practiced what we learned on the farm. Growing up When I was a little boy I used to hate doing my chores. Then one day I saw my uncle, painting my backyard trellis. No one asked him. It wasn’t his yard. It was hot and humid. He walked toward the house all dressed in work clothes and dripping with sweat, but he had a twinkle in his eyes. I had seen that same magical twinkle before...in Momow's eyes. Later I saw my Aunt scrubbing the bathroom floor. She looked up at me with a smile...and that same twinkle. I saw the same twinkle again in my sister's eyes as she washed dishes. The same twinkle Momow had as she pointed out the branches for me to cut that blocked the stop signs around town. Years later I saw the same twinkle in my Popow's eyes as he read my dissertation...staying up late into the night making edits and asking me helpful questions. During the Great Recession I lost all three of my local job offers, so my wife and I started looking in Washington DC. No other city was hiring economists. I was worried, but then I saw that twinkle again in wife's eyes as she sat in front of me, pregnant with our first daughter, helping me write my first resume. Twenty years after watching my Uncle paint that trellis I finally understood why those who sacrifice for those they love are the happiest people on earth. Love the Action As I get older I hope I never lose sight of what made Momow's love so magical. The word "Love" can mean many things, but the most magical kind is "Love the action". Young people need someone to give them love. The greeks called this "Storge" (στοργή storgē) which means tenderness, love, and affection ... especially between parents and children. Storge is about showing and feeling empathy. Sometimes the word is used in reference to love for one's country or a favorite sports team, but that is not what I mean here. Momow's Storge came from her deep understanding of what all people need...something grownups call the "human condition". People are like trees 🌳 . When we feel loved, valued and accepted...we are like a tree with deep roots. When we receive negative feedback, are criticized, or fail...it’s like the wind 💨. The wind blows and it forces our roots, trunks, and branches to become stronger. But if we have no roots...if we don’t feel valued ... we can’t face reality. Our courage breaks when we fail or are criticized. We can’t use the wind to grow stronger. Momow dedicated her life to helping those around her grow deep roots...especially young people in difficult circumstance like me. Her love helped us find courage to be honest with ourselves and face our weaknesses. In time, this helped us overcome challenges...which helped us transition our source of confidence from her love to ourselves and our own inner strength. Momow understood that this process is easier for kids that feel unconditional love...a gift that takes tremendous inner strength. Service to Others Here is a quote from the movie "Mary Poppins" that I have come to appreciate. It's from the scene just after the kids run away from their father after causing a run on the bank. Jane and Michael are convinced that they are the ones in trouble, but Bert (Dick Van Dyke) points out that at least they have someone to go to when they are in pain. Jane: Father's not in trouble. We are. Bert: Oh, sure about that, are you? Look at it this way. You've got your mother to look after you. And Mary Poppins, and Constable Jones and me. Who looks after your father? Tell me that. When something terrible happens, what does he do? Fends for himself, he does. Who does he tell about it? No one! Don't blab his troubles at home. He just pushes on at his job, uncomplaining and alone and silent. To me, the "Father" is a metaphor for all the grownups in the world that lost (or never had) a Momow. If we are lucky we have a caring family, a loving spouse to share our lives with, and close friends...but even when we have everything we need, life can feel like it is mostly suffering. It's clear to me now that the most anyone can accomplish in this world is to help someone, like you, to feel love, feel valued, and grow confidence. To help someone grow deep roots so they have the strength to reach outside of themselves and take responsibility for making the world around them a better place. I'm not my Momow. Her magic was rare and special. I wish you could have known her. I wish I could channel her love like a magical spell so you could feel the way I did those many years ago ...sitting on that Amish rocking chair in front of the fire...warming my toes...locked in by the twinkle in her eyes...filled with calm, peace, confidence, and a desire to help those in need, protect the trees and animals, and share my gifts with my community. I'm not my Momow...but I will love you the best I can. Sincerely, Your future Popow -- Ways to make family reunions magical Listen. Give everyone a chance to share recent successes and struggles since the last reunion. This would also be a great way to help the next generation get comfortable speaking in public. Create a safe and wholesome environment. Kids are obviously going to be very sensitive to the world around them. Unfortunately, some people and environments are not kid friendly. These other suggestions become very difficult without a safe and wholesome environment. Work on a project together. My family would often play music at the church and local nursing home. We kids learned to love sharing our gifts with the community. My wife says that listing to my family sing at the church is a big reason she married me. Promote shared learning experiences from inspirational movies, books, and speeches. My grandparents would always be saving videos and articles to share. Usually the topic would relate to things their kids had an interest or that related to our shared interest in protecting the environment. Serve healthy home cooked meals and have everyone sit around the table. We also had a tradition of singing, "The more we get together the happier we will be". It's a simple tune with a powerful message kids can appreciate. Avoid alcohol. Mom and Dad occasionally enjoy a glass of red wine. Sometimes being around family can be stressful and having a beer just seems so natural in those situations. But something about alcohol removes our natural tendency to find comfort in deeper conversation and connection.

By Sumay I took my title from an article my Dad showed me by Paul Graham. It's a good article. Not many nine years olds have probably read it, but perhaps more should. It basically argues that adults should stop lying all the time to their kids. I agree, and this is why... When I was five I asked my Dad if Santa was real. He looked at me and asked, "Do you want to believe he is real?" I decided that I'd rather know the truth and so he told me Santa was a fictional story, but that many feel the story teaches a deeper truth about the joy of giving. When I lost my first tooth I asked my Mom the same question. She told me the truth...but I still insisted on getting a dollar :) One thing I liked about this experience is that I had a choice. My parents never told me Santa was real. I like knowing the truth, but I have friends that seem to really enjoy believing in things like Santa. If they want to wake up on Christmas morning with gifts from Santa instead of Mom and Dad...why not? But what about the practice of teaching fictional stories as fact? -- The word "lie" has a negative connotation. Most parents don't consider the telling of "The Santa Claus" to be lying. Many of my adult family members say they told their kids Santa was real because they thought it would help them understand a deeper truth about love and the joy of giving. Is this lying? Let's look at three definitions for the word "lie" suggested by Google: A false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive Something intended, or serving to convey a false impression Knowingly making a false statement Simply telling a fictional story doesn't seem to meet any of these definitions. Many of the greatest children books ever written are "fiction" including my favorites by Rald Daul. Things get tricky when we explicitly teach fictional stories as fact. Perhaps my very favorite Rauld Daul story is "The Witches". The story open's with a boy's grandmother who repeatedly swears to the existence of Witches and details such "facts" as their ability to smell children better after they take a bath. In this case, the grandmother is clearly lying by all three definitions. Unless, of course, she believes in witches herself...a plausible explanation for someone that thinks it appropriate to chain-smoke cigars around children. A grey area emerges when fictional stories carry a deeper truth. The Santa Clause is a great example. A grownup could plausibly tell a young child that The Santa Clause is real, "a knowingly false statement", but do so without the "intent to deceive". I get that. I don't feel anything wrong with grownups telling kids stories like The Santa Clause in order to teach"love" and "the joy of giving". However, there may be other ways to teach the same thing. It doesn't seem necessary to me to believe in flying reindeer in order to teach the joy of giving. Kids learn from fictional stories all the time. Most parents don't feel compelled to defend Star Wars as literal truth...although to be honest that would be a way cooler childhood fantasy made reality. Even better...if you want your kid to experience a belief in magic...why not go with teaching the literal existence of my hero Hermione Granger (I wrote about her here)! On some special day each year you could teach them to wait by the fireplace for a Hogwarts acceptance letter to come flying out! The fiction need not die when the letter fails to arrive! You can simply comfort your grieving child with the reality that they are a Muggle. Still, there is something to be said for tradition. It's generally acceptable to tell kids that an overweight man can magically break into every Christians house on the planet (assuming their kids are well behaved) in one night. I'm not sure how they would react to parents teaching a child they can learn to levitate objects with a magical stick. Both are clearly lies...but only one is a tradition! Kids are tough Another reason the grownups I interviewed lie to kids is to protect them. I instinctively avoid talking to friends about Santa. I don't want to be the one to break the news. But I'm less worried about it now because I think kids are pretty tough. When I say kids are "tough" I mean we can handle things. Truth hurts sometimes, but like trees, the exposure helps us develop thick skin, so when we go out in the real world we won't get squashed like a bug. Here is an example of how innocent attempts to protect kids can go wrong. One of my friends has never lost a board game at home. They always find a way to make sure my friend wins. Then my friend's parents tell him how smart they are. This doesn't feel right to me. It also meet all three definitions of lying. What happens when my friend looses a game to someone at school? It ain't going to be pretty. As I get older my parents have started to tell me things they previously felt were too adult to share. They tell me that if I feel uncomfortable about something, like a movie or story, I should speak up. One simple way to know how much your kid can handle is to simply ask. Building Trust The nice thing about always telling your kids the truth is that they learn to trust you. Sometimes it's painful, like when my parents say I could have behaved more appropriately, or could have done better on a homework assignment. Sometimes it takes time to break complex issues down into terms that kids can understand. But taking that time shows us kids that you care, and that builds trust. Here are some common lies parents tell kids along with alternatives to help us make sense of the world. Instead of, "Babies are flown in by storks", you can say, "Mom and Dad know a secret way to make babies that we will tell you when you're older". Instead of, "A monster lives under your bed", you can say, "Please stay in your bed so you can get a good nights rest". Instead of, "You are so special!" or "You are amazing!", you can say, "Wow...you must have worked hard on that. Great things are achieved with time and effort". Instead of, "Grandma is in a happy place looking down on you", you can say, "Grandma has passed away. No one knows for sure what happens after people die, but Grandma lives on in the lives of those she loved and helped during her life" Instead of, "Mom and Dad know best", you can say, "Mom and Dad don't always know what's best. That is why you are encouraged to share your ideas. However, we need to have the final say." Without trust, kids might be hesitant to share or ask for help. If they feel need for some advice they should not feel like they have to keep it to themselves. And should not be trying to tackle the problem on their own if they need assistance! If your a parent you got your child's back and if they need help... then they've got to ask for it! When I get back from home and I had a stressful day I feel open to pour out my feelings to my family, I hope every child gets to do that. I do that because I know my family will immediately rush to my aid! That creates a strong bond and makes you truly find the people that are most important in your life. As for me, I think it would be better to make Santa a fairy tale. This works because everyone knows fairy tales don't exist. It differentiates the physical man coming down the chimney from a lovely fairy tale about the spirit of Christmas. You don't need to destroy the thought of Santa, the tooth fairy, and the Easter Bunny...simply turn them into fairy tales like Cinderella and Snow White! This way I don't run the risk of having my future kids become devastated by a fictional story and hurt their trust in me. By Sumay - 12/30/2018

Once kids love learning, parenting becomes pretty easy. But how to teach kids to love learning? Few questions are more important to parenting and it's a question we have struggled with a lot. Here are a five strategies that we have found to be effective: 1. Read to them early and often. Start the day they are born...so reading becomes like breathing. 2. Ask the greatest question ever..."Why?". It's so easy to ask and it invariably takes conversations someplace interesting. We call "Why?" the Greatest Question for reasons Sumay explains below: 3. Create activities to make learning fun. For example, use of blueberries to teach probability theory. 4. Get in touch with emotions. Help kids see books as a source of meaningful knowledge about their world. For example, connect their love for nature with powerful stories about protecting the planet (below). 5. Help kids realize that by learning they can create. Learning expands opportunities for self expression. Thank you NaiNai for the amazing picture below :) -- Sumay is nine now. She loves to read, but got in a habit of reading only fiction. This posed a challenge for us. We were able to nudge her in the right direction. Without going into detail let me just say this... Don’t always ask what your child likes to read, or even what your child is interested in ... tell them that there are stories they can’t even imagine because they are simply too young to have experienced them. Sumay reacted to this with a look of confusion, as we all do when being told that there are things we don’t already know. Then I walked to my book shelf and pulled this one ... “Here is a story of someone who walked away from everything ... gave away his money ... didn’t even say goodbye to his friends and family ... he simply walked away from civilization in search of a reality untouched by humanity. I think he wanted to know what life would be like if he had been born before humans were distinguishable from animals. Honestly I don’t know why he did it, but it’s an amazing story and the ending will shock you.” That’s when it clicked for Sumay. You don’t read books just for fun or to understand something better ... the greatest of objectives is to expand the mind, to harness another’s life experience to enhance our own and broaden our appreciation for the human condition.

What was the happiest moment of your life? That’s how we kicked off tonight’s Sangha and it took us to some magical places. Sumay jumped right in with a story from 3 years ago. We stayed up late playing ball tag in the basement my favorite video game of all time ... Zeliard. We must have stayed up till midnight 🕛. Aila said the best day of her life was when we went canoeing 🛶 two weeks ago. She did yoga and squats half the time while Sumay and Mommy did all the work. Its worth watching 😉. — Here is why I titled the Sangha “Symphony” — Dad: Why did those moments make you so happy? Aila: Oh ... it’s one of thooose questions... [laughter] Sumay: Because it was fun and exciting? Aila: Because we felt loved? Dad: Let me suggest a reason and you tell me if it rings true. Was it because on that day you felt like you truly connected with another person? Aila: YES YES exactly exactly!!! Just like that song Symphony!!! Sumay: Oh Yeah! Mom: What song??? Aila: You know...it goes like this, Sumay and Aila singing: 🎶 And now your song is on repeat 🎵 And I’m dancin' on to your heartbeat And when you’re gone, I feel incomplete 🎵 So if you want the truth I just wanna be part of your SYMPHONY 🎶 Will you hold me tight and not let go? SYMPHONY...Like a love song on the radio 🎵 Will you hold me tight and not let go? (Aila then added that...) Aila: “l love hugging because bodies are squishy” — End transcript — We spent the next half hour talking about what people value more than anything ... connecting with others. Specifically, being chosen and loved by someone we look up to. While we may not like to admit it we all need love, recognition, and social gratification. I was reminded recently of a research study where monkeys were deprived of their parents but given all the other necessities of life: food, water, shelter. The monkeys ended up with severe psychological problems...it’s a sad study and one that I wish had never been conducted, but it does make clear the fact that we all need love like we need the air we breath. Sumay shared a story early on in the discussion about a boy that kept bragging about how great he was at math...having completed his homework before end of class. Dad: Why did he do that? Sumay: I don’t know, because he wanted to feel better than everyone? Dad: Does he get something out of it? Sumay: No, it’s just annoying. Dad: But it helps him feel better, even at the expense of making others not like him as much? Sumay: Yes, he does it to feel good. Dad: Why would he trade feeling good about himself when it hurts his relationships? Sumay: I don’t know. Dad: If the teacher were to acknowledge his achievements, would he feel a need to brag? Sumay: Probably not 🤔 — We eventually concluded that feeling valued is a need...and if we can’t get it from friends, family, or colleagues then we need to satisfy it ourselves. Unfortunately, sometimes that means we distort reality to hide ourselves from the truth. So instead of facing up to failure, or the fact that no one likes something we did, we protect our egos by telling ourself stories (lies). We may also do the job our parents, teachers or bosses should be doing... pointing out our achievements. Too often, we parents tend to ignore kids until they do something wrong when we should be catching them doing what’s right and pointing it out! People have a natural tendency to ignore what’s working and focus on problems. This tendency works contrary to motivation...which works best by focusing on successes. Only after we feel appreciated and valued can we have the motivation and courage to face reality and fix our weaknesses. Here is an analogy Aila really enjoyed: People are like trees 🌳 . When we feel loved, valued and accepted...we are like a tree with deep roots. When we receive negative feedback, are criticized, or fail...it’s like the wind 💨. The wind blows and it forces our roots, trunks, and branches to become stronger. But if we have no roots...if we don’t feel valued ... we can’t face reality. Our courage breaks when we fail or are criticized. We can’t use the wind to grow stronger. So much of this discussion rang true for me. Whether it be marriage, parenting, or my career...people are so much more willing to grow from experiences when they feel confident and appreciated. We are social beings and need, like the air we breath, to feel part of a Symphony!

For anyone who feels they could use a few extra hours in each day. By Joseph (July 23, 2012) For years I have been searching for a way to improve my mind; replace bad habits, change patters of harmful behavior, and get rid of the thousands of random useless “stray thoughts” that serve no purpose other than to clutter my mind and prevent me from living completely in the here and now. The answer came in a very short book by Maria Johnson titled, “Beginning Meditation For Busy People: How To Get More Done, Feel Less Stressed, & Be Happier”. This book took me an hour to read unlike many books on meditation that seemed cluttered with silly rules and historical dogma. Despite the book's small size, its core contents can be summed up in just a few pages. Lucky for you I have done just that, while also adding a bit from my own experiences. What is mediation? Our brains are very inefficient and full of potentially harmful habits. Each day our brains conjure up thousands of useless thoughts. Many of these thoughts can actually be harmful. If only there were a way to weed out these “stray thoughts” and old habits so we can have complete control of our own minds. Meditation teaches us to control our thoughts and in doing so control how we react to the world around us and its stressors. The result is that our mind learns to be continuously in the here and now helping us to achieve our goals without distraction. Undistracted by “stray thoughts” our mind keeps our most important values and goals above all else ensuring that our actions are consistent with those priorities. Research shows that meditation can actually increase the amount of grey matter in our brains. In effect, this is the mechanism by which we rebuild old detrimental habits and patterns of behavior into habits that we have consciously chosen. I define detrimental here as anything producing unnecessary stress and anxiety. Removing these can lead to a significant decrease in the probability of getting coronary disease, congestive heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, and some cancers to the point that many doctors and now prescribing meditation in addition to medications. There are other ways to achieve this same state (or progress in this direction) without meditation. Unfortunately, it usually involves a tragedy of some sort such as being diagnosed with a terminal disease or having a loved one die. Events such as these, as tragic as they are, often have the effect of focusing the mind on the here and now. The heavy emotions brand a stronger sense of what is the most important to us (such as relationships) to the forefront of our mind. The tragedy brings clarity. Trivial problems are let go more easily. Stress is removed by an inner sense of appreciation for what we have. Thankfully, a tragedy is not necessary to achieve this. Meditation is not a means of extracting us from reality and into a spiritual world. We don’t need to be part of any particular religion to meditate. We don’t have to give up worldly ambition to meditate. Meditation is simply the practice of controlling our mind and focusing it on the here and now where it can be most useful to us. “And when we are in the here and now we will be amazed at what we can do and how well we can do it.” (Socrates, from the movie Peaceful Warrior). Time spent dwelling outside of the here and now, on those many things outside of our control is wasted time…and who can afford to waste time? My first attempt at mediation was only ten minutes long, but it had a very visible effect on me for the rest of the day. The most noticeable thing for me was that I was much more attuned to the people around me, how they were feeling, and how they were responding to me. I was able to easily imagine different ways I could act and how others would respond. The result has been stronger relationships, a more peaceful life, and much more time…and that is after a week of meditating ten minutes a day. In short, meditation makes me more human by giving me space between stimulus and response so that I could exercise my self-awareness, imagination, conscience, and independent will before choosing an appropriate response. Three Principles of Meditation Focusing our mind Awareness and Mindfulness Compassion for ourselves and others Focusing our mind Practice keeping our mind in the here and now. This allows us to become more aware of others and our surroundings. This also allows us to become mindful of our thoughts and our bodies; giving us more control of both. Awareness and Mindfulness With a greater awareness of others we become more capable of interacting with others in positive ways such as our ability to connect and more generally encourage stronger relationships. As our mindfulness grows we become better at weeding out “stray thoughts” that only serve to take us away from the here and now. This leaves room for us to be the best we can be in each moment. Compassion for ourselves and others One mystery of life is that compassion for others cultivates happiness whereas aggression only brings despair. As we become more mindful of our deepest values we are able to move to the front of our minds. Compassion for others and ourselves is almost universally at the center of what drives each of us; although many of us only realize this during times of tragedy or struggle. Meditation allows this deeply held value to come out of our actions more easily. The Basics Mediation is the act of allowing our mind and body to become still and quiet. There are many ways one can do this. Actually, the goal is to be able to do this in every action. However, when first starting out the guidelines below may prove useful: Time – Decide on how long you wish to meditate. As little as three minutes is still useful. Time is less important than meditating each day. Set an alarm for the amount of time we wish to meditate (don’t watch a clock). Place - Find a place where we will not be interrupted or hear obtrusive noises. Absolute silence is not necessary and can actually take away from the experience which is essentially to be more aware of the present. Avoid our bed as this area will likely confuse our mind into thinking it is time to sleep. Wear loose fitting comfortable clothes Position – Any position that is comfortable will do. The best position is one that enables us to breathe deeply and easily while sitting in the same position for a long period of time. Ms. Johnson suggests sitting with our legs below our waist (a pillow or chair works nicely), with our back not touching anything. Place a pillow on our lap. Lay one hand on top of the pillow face up. Lay the other hand on top of the first also face up. Eyes can be open or shut. Starters may find that open eyes lead to a wandering mind. Keeping eyes closed might make some people sleepy. Deliberate focused breathing is the bedrock of meditation. It is a subconscious act that we are almost never aware of. Allowing our breath to become a conscious act for a short time helps to heighten our awareness. To begin the meditation follow these steps: Focus our attention to our center; located in our abdomen two inches above our navel. Observe the rising and falling of our center. Do not judge any feelings or noises us hear as good or bad, healthy or unhealthy. Just note the sensations and be mindful of them. Stay attuned to the present moment; the here and now. Do not allow our mind to wander. Release our concerns and worries of the future along with our mistakes and perceived failings of the past as we enter the NOW. If a stray thought does enter our mind (and they will) simply acknowledge it as such and let it go. Do not become frustrated with yourself as this is very difficult. Label our actions as a way to help strengthen our awareness of them. As we breathe in say “rising” in our mind. As we breathe out say “falling”. Let the single word last throughout the action. Give 10% of our focus to the word and 90% of our focus to a heightened awareness of the action. “In fact, the goal is not to think about our breath at all. It is just to know that it is there” (Johnson). Wondering Mind The hardest part of meditation is to stop our mind from wondering. Maria Johnson has a few words on how to help with this that I felt were particularly powerful so I copied them below word for word: “The secret to effective concentration that may seem counter intuitive. You might notice that the harder you work at releasing these thoughts the more difficult to let them go! Everyone wants to change something – from not thinking stray thoughts during meditation to getting the cushy office through the lucrative promotion to a brand new life style. But the yearning to change actually is detrimental to our growth. Indeed the moment you accept your present condition is the moment you will find the universe conspiring with you – and not against you. There is a wonderfully insightful story that speaks to this. It is about a man whose passion was to be the finest swordsman in all of Japan. In his search to discover how to accomplish this, he consulted a hermit living high atop a mountain, renowned for his wisdom. “Great wise teacher,” the swordsman asked after climbing the mountain, “how long will it take me to become the finest sword master in the land?” The hermit scrutinized the seeker of knowledge, closed his eyes, and thought for a moment. The he answered “Perhaps five years.” The swordsman was impatient, though. Five years to him might as well have been 50. So he asked a second question. “How long, great master, would it take if I tried really hard?” Stroking his beard, the hermit looked at the ambitions young man. Finally, he said, “Maybe ten years.” The intense longing, the craving, actually works against our goals and our desires. It creates within us a dissatisfaction that is, quite frankly, unhealthy. Additionally, it creates a high hurdle to overcome in the form of a craving. Mindfulness involves the recognition and acceptance of our current conditions. Not only can we accept what we have now, we can be able to go that one step further and be grateful for it. The direct opposite of pushing the experience away from us or the intense yearning for a different one, is mindfulness. This state of consciousness enables us to understand and be satisfied with what us have as we sit quietly in the present moment. Do not confuse this with a resignation of staying the way we are. We are not meant to stagnate and not aspire to greater heights. This is not how human nature works. Acceptance of where we are today is the first vital step in changing for the better. Basically, what we are talking about is self-acceptance. Accept yourself for who you are now. Do not envy anyone else and do not compare yourself to others. Instead of wasting time and energy comparing yourself to others or envying others, encourage yourself in all your endeavors. Tell yourself you can achieve your highest potential – and soon you will be.” Reflections from 2019 This is Joseph again...seven years older, but not much wiser. If I had listened to myself I'm confident that I would be a lot happier and healthier today. When I wrote this we were at peak stress ... new baby, new mortgage, new job, new city. I suffered a tragedy at the time that I won't share here, but the stress was overwhelming. I began meditating because when I didn't I had trouble overcoming feelings of anxiety. A month later I had a moment of clarity that I wrote down just above my closet door: For the next two months I felt a deep sense of awareness. My normal state of living inside my head was replaced with a constant awareness of other people in the room, and how they were feeling. My kids felt closer to me than ever. I was content to just sit in a room and listen to Lihong share her thoughts for hours on end (she still brings this up when I try to make excuses that amount to me "just being a man"). Then I started a new job that required constant travel. For the first few months I was able to bring this awareness to my work. New client relationships came naturally. People around me seemed to default to a mutual sense of trust. I remembered names after hearing them the first time. I felt calm. Always calm...and my colleagues could feel it also. And then it was gone. I was working 70 hours a week...not including travel. I stopped meditating. Shortly after I dropped my regular sleep schedule. Then I started eating out all the time. Then seven years just flew by. So many moments lost to mental clutter. So many missed opportunities lost to selfishness. Then I read my note last week. I took a deep breath. I took another really long and deep breath and whispered to myself, "In". Then I slowly let go and whispered to myself, "Out". I realized in that moment that I stopped reading the note because I didn't want to confront the fact that I failed. Subconsciously I knew that if I started meditating again I would remember how much better I could be to myself and those around me...and that I had lost years of moments and opportunities. Then I remembered a quote from the book, "Basically, what we are talking about is self-acceptance. Accept yourself for who you are now." I took another deep breath...this time whispering to myself the single word, "Accept". As I breathed out I felt a slightly embarrassing sense of self empathy...like I was looking at myself and feeling love toward me. I didn't see a failure...just another flawed person with good intentions...a Dad trying to love his kids...just a Husband trying to love his wife... In that moment I feel my own sense of control start to come back to me. That little boost of self-love gave me the strength to see the reality...that I had learned something important about how to live better, but ignored it. What made it painful to endure was the realization that many raised voices and hurt feeling could have been avoided. Sad memories that might not have been if I stayed in control...if I been in the "now" instead of mentally at work or wrapped up in selfish pettiness. But while we are all just flawed humans ... we are powerful. We do have the ability to change bad habits and fill those around us with love, peace, and strength. Self-acceptance is the key to this power. Meditation is the door.

Long drives across the country are great for reflection. We discussed many things but one topic stands out...Love. We started by playing, “What is Love ... Baby Don’t Hurt Me” (1). Then we asked the girls about what they thought love really meant. Aila said that she feels love “when Mommy hugs me”. Sumay said she feels love when Daddy “tells me I’m awesome”. We talked about the six kinds of love (2) and the five love languages (3). We read through 1st Corinthians on the meaning of love...a key part of our marriage vows (4). We concluded with an old favorite of mine from Take 6 called “I Love You” ... a Christian song that blows my mind (5). 1 - https://youtu.be/K5G1FmU-ldg 2 - http://www.hipgreece.com/the-ancient-greeks--6-words-for-lo… 3 - https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages 4 - https://www.google.com/…/%3Fsearch%3D1%2BCorinthians%2B13%2… 5 - https://youtu.be/smRcxpBdk04 -- The greeks had six words for love (2): philía, éros, agápe, storgē, pragma, and philautia. After learning their meanings it became apparent just how inadequate the one word "love" is in describing the many ways we feel love. Here are the definitions as articulated by the never inaccurate wikipedia: Philia (φιλία philía) means "affectionate regard, friendship", usually "between equals". It is a dispassionate virtuous love. Philia includes loyalty to friends (specifically, "brotherly love"), family, and community, and requires virtue, equality, and familiarity. Éros (ἔρως érōs) means "love, mostly of the sexual passion". The Modern Greek word "erotas" means "intimate love". Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself. Agápe (ἀγάπη agápē) means "love: esp. charity; the love of God for man and of man for God". Agape is used in ancient texts to denote feelings for one's children and the feelings for a spouse. Historically, Agape was used by Christians to express the unconditional love of God for his children. This type of love was further explained by Thomas Aquinas as "to will the good of another." Storge (στοργή storgē) means "tenderness, love, affection" and "especially of parents and children". Storge is the common or natural empathy, like that felt by parents for offspring, or all humans for young mammals that are ‘cute’. It is also known to express mere acceptance or enduring situations, as in "loving" the tyrant. This is also used when referencing the love for one's country or a favorite sports team. Pragma a model of love as two people may demonstrate during a lengthy marriage. It is a practical type of love, not necessarily derived out of true romantic love. Rather, pragma is a convenient type of love that is perceived to be rational and realistic. Pragmatic lovers want to find value in their partners, and ultimately want to work with their partner to reach a common goal. The practicality and realism of pragmatic love often aides longevity of the relationship, as long as common goals and values remain shared for the duration. Philautia self love (philos + auto + -ia) – love for one's own self. The Greeks recognized two forms. In its negative form philautia is the selfishness that wants pleasure, fame, and wealth beyond what one needs. Narcissus, who falls in love with his own reflection, exemplifies this kind of self-love. In its positive form philautia refers to a proper pride or self-love. -- Two deep insights came out of this discussion. One is the power of Philia. The other is love the action. First, the Greeks considered Philia to be the most powerful form of love, even more than the base sexuality of Eros. Philia is, “concerned with the deep comradery friendship that developed between brothers in arms who had fought side by side on the battlefield. It was about showing loyalty to your friends, sacrificing for them, as well as sharing your emotions with them.” This word deserves more regular usage in the English vocabulary. Second, most of the time when people talk about love they mean the feeling...but Love is also an action. Giving love can create the feeling of love. This is why the statement, “falling out of love” is somewhat nonsensical. People fall out of love the emotion because of a lack of love the action. Recognizing loves causal effect on our emotions helps to bring the state of our relationships into our circle of influence. — Sharing these links and the knowledge within with the kids was a real joy and helped everyone gain a better appreciation of what Love truly is. Unfortunately, the English language stinks in the love department...thank Zeus for the Greeks!

Lihong and I love learning from entrepreneurs and angel investors. They are as close as one can get to seeing the future before it happens. Those interested in starting a new company would be wise to take advantage of their wisdom and free resources. Here are our favorite links and key takeaways from four of our favorites: Paul Graham, Naval Ravikant, Eugene Wei and Peter Theil. Paul Graham Creator of Ycombinator, the most successful angel investment firm in the world. We recommend that you check out their about, resources, and companies pages. These are the best resources you will find on how to create a successful startup and what they look like. “Build something useful as simply as possible, then grow” Must read: Request for Startups (RFS) - https://www.ycombinator.com/rfs/ What happens at the YCombinator - https://www.ycombinator.com/atyc/ Advice for founders - https://blog.ycombinator.com/advice-for-first-time-founders/ Startup Library - https://www.ycombinator.com/resources/ Paul Graham Blog Do Things That Don’t Scale -> Startups take off because founders make them take off. Naval Ravikant Naval is regarded globally as one of the greatest thinkers and entrepreneurs of this generation. He often shares his insightful views on Mindfulness and Startups on Twitter @naval. "No one can compete with you on being you. Most of life is a search for who and what needs you the most." Must read from Naval: His whole blog is great: https://theangelphilosopher.com/ Our favorite from Naval is the Tweet storm How to get rich without getting lucky Here is an excerpt: Eugene Wei Eugene is an technology influencer, especially in the area of social media. @eugenewei Must read: He also has a great blog: https://www.eugenewei.com/ Status as a Service (StaaS) - https://www.eugenewei.com/blog/2019/2/19/status-as-a-service Key insights from this deep paper include: People are easily addicted to social media because it is a way of gaining social capital. Facebook, Twitter...etc are tools that provide Status as a Service (StaaS). People join great apps for the utility, but they stay for the social capital (see charts). Proof of Work (PoW) is critical in StaaS business because it defines the scoreboard which users compete on. It separates users by their skill at that Proof of Work and creates a relative status ladder. A StaaS must also provide its users a mechanism to enjoy the social capital they've earned. This is why anonymous networks like Whisper and Secret are difficult businesses; users claiming ownership of those posts would be destructive to their overall status in society. All StaaS businesses have their own PoW to enforce scarcity of status. Clever lip synch and dance number on http://Musical.ly/TikTok , short quip on Twitter, beautiful photo on Instagram, insightful answer on Quora, etc. Copying PoW in StaaS businesses tends to fail because they duplicate an existing status game of an incumbent, just with a non-existent graph. A duplicate status token with much less liquidity is worthless. Witness Twitter knockoffs like Mastodon For a StaaS to succeed as a stand alone business, it must own the primary marketplace in which the social capital is generated, usually some sort of feed. Peter Thiel First investor in Facebook and serial successful entrepreneur. Must read: Our blog post summarizing his book Zero to One: First three key takeaways from the blog post. Be contrarian – “The most contrarian thing of all is not to oppose the crowd but to think for yourself”. You can’t fake authenticity. Be willing to share your thoughts and feelings. Revolutionary breakthroughs appear obvious in hindsight, but are invisible to most; because it’s hard to ignore reality and imagine which does not yet exist. Focus on strengths - Like the book, “First Break All The Rules: What the World’s Greatest Managers Do Differently”, Peter argues that we should relentlessly focus on our strengths. Do things that we are good at and that add value to the world. Don’t copy the past - “Every moment in business happens only once. The next Bill Gates will not build an operating system. The next Larry Page or Sergey Brin won’t make a search engine. And the next Mark Zuckerberg won’t create a social network. If you are copying these guys, you aren’t learning from them.” Feel free to tell us about your favorite entrepreneurs and angel investors. Thank you for your interest! McPhail Family

This is a slightly revised letter we wrote to Sumay after she confided that she would have liked a "bigger house, like some of her friends, preferably with a jacuzzi". She was 7 years old at the time. Basically, we are telling her that what really matters is happiness. Material things beyond our needs can give us brief moments of happiness, but often at the cost of debt and the risk of poor spending habits. We all know these things, but it seems that very few put it into practice. The planet needs us to learn to live more with less...and our happiness and health would benefit as well. -- Hello Sumay, Mommy mentioned that you had asked why we, since we can afford it, why we don't buy a nicer house like some of her friends (with a jacuzzi). Wow that sounds like fun. Who wouldn't want that? Mommy and I have been talking since before you were born about happiness. We have much to learn, but what we know so far is that happiness is the "ultimate currency". What this means is that when we make decisions we should try to increase happiness and decrease suffering. Sometimes this is easy, like when picking out a movie, we obviously want the movie we think we will like better. Sometimes this is hard, like when we try to balance happiness today from eating candy with happiness tomorrow from being healthy. The world is full of people that will tell you how to live, what to buy, who to talk to, and how to spend your time. It is tempting to listen. It is tempting to follow the herd and do what everyone else is doing because maybe they know better. Another thing Mommy and I realized is that most people don't really know how to find happiness. They tell other people what they think is right because if they get you to do the same thing it makes them feel better. But most of the time, doing what other people are doing just because they are doing it doesn't lead to happiness. Instead it leads to suffering because you give up control of your own life and make decisions that you later regret because they were not your own decisions. Your school has a poster that reads, "most people are as happy as they make up their mind to be". We agree. Our favorite movie, "The Peaceful Warrior", says the same thing. What it means is that true happiness comes from the inside. Of course, as the Buddha says, "too much is not good, but neither is too little". If we couldn't eat or get a good education or sleep comfortably at night then that would not be good. This is obvious.  What is not so obvious is how having too much can also be harmful. The reason for this is harder to understand, especially when everyone else is doing it. Splurging can be very good in moderation. Remember the time we stayed at a hotel with a jacuzzi and put soap in the jets and bubbles were everywhere?! That was so much fun. We even talked about getting a Jacuzzi. Mom and I had to work very hard for what we have. Sometimes we get so focused on working hard that we forget to reward ourselves. We understand that having a jacuzzi is no big deal, but might be fun for a while. Same thing goes for buying a fancy car or a huge house. We know we would enjoy it, at least for a while, but we also know that these things do not bring lasting happiness. Happiness comes from many things...all of which you are doing. Learning to work hard, being kind to others, taking care of your body by eating healthy ... are all ways to find happiness. As you get older you will realize that happiness also comes from accepting yourself. Too often people get jealous of others or mad at themselves for doing something moronic, not being pretty enough, or smart enough, or not having enough money. Paradoxically, accepting yourself is a critical first step to self improvement, but this will be hard for you to understand while you are so young. Finally, happiness comes from letting go. You can't control the world around you. All you can control are the decisions you make. Sometimes life throws us a bit of bad luck, and we have to make the best of it. You will have bad days. You will experience terrible pain. You may even wish at times for anything to make the pain go away. Just remember that nothing lasts forever. Everyone and everything dies. No one knows why. Anyone who says they do is either lying to you or lying to themselves. We don't need to understand why life is short or why bad things sometimes happen to good people. All we need to do is realize that life is precious precisely because it is short. If we all lived forever there would be no reason to appreciate anything. You could always wait until tomorrow to say you are sorry or I love you. Those who find happiness don't wait until tomorrow. When we buy things for the wrong reasons it can bring great suffering. As a distraction, buying things can become addictive. Like all addictions, it serves to to hide deeper problems from ourselves. This works for a while, but then the excitement wears off and we have to go shopping for even more stuff. Some people buy things so they can look good to others. Folks call this "keeping up with the Joneses". Again, this can get us in trouble because we may feel we have to keep buying more things to keep up an image of success. At first we can afford it, but what if later on we can't? "Chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken" - Warren Buffett Hopefully this has helped you get a better idea of why we don't spend a lot of time talking about buying fancy clothes and big houses. We just don't find it very important or interesting. We have everything we need. We have two wonderful daughters. We have jobs that allow us to contribute to our community, build relationships, and grow and challenge ourselves. We have interests that help us to explore. We have family and friends with which to share our lives. Keep asking questions. Especially the greatest question "Why?". We are very proud of you. We Love You - Mom and Dad -- Our thoughts on happiness come largely from the field of "positive psychology"; which is the study of what makes people happy. Interestingly, the findings in this field have many parallels with eastern philosophies including Buddhism and Taoism. Books we find helpful on the subject include: The Art of Happiness, 10% Happier, and Happier?. They all boil down to the same basic fact...most of what makes one happy or sad comes from relationships, health and mindfullness.

The kids had a lot to say about the meaning of friendship. We didn’t plan on this topic...just spontaneously erupted into a hearty discussion that I think we all benefited from. Here are the key takeaways. There are three broad categories of friendship: 1) Fun friends 2) Growth friends 3) Comfort friends Of the three, Fun friends are perhaps the easiest to find and are, well, a lot of fun!! Fun friends are often new and exciting, but be careful not to stop investing in your growth and comfort friends. Growth friends are typically older and wiser. This often means they more pressures on their time. They don’t need you as much as you need them so don't feel bad if they are hard to get hold. Growth friends have a growth mindset. They want to be around people they can grow from as well. You want to show your growth friends that you can help them grow as well. What you lack in wisdom you can make up for by being a Fun friend and helping them in times of need (Comfort friend). Comfort friends are those few gems that are there for you when you are no fun and have little to offer. They care deeply about you and would sacrifice a great deal of time and energy to help you. Comfort friends are the hardest to get because they take effort over a long period, but hopefully they are also the strongest/ most resilient. Friends are different from acquaintances in the following ways: 1) Friendships have strength...meaning you can survive strong disagreements and struggle. We all screw up sometimes and a friend that can’t stand a mistake every now and then is not really a friend. 2) Friends can be more honest and open. People are actually quite guarded. A huge part of being a friend is that you can trust each other to share the things that might bother others. 3) Friends are willing to sacrifice meaningful amounts of time and energy for each other. 4) Friends generally feel good about each others successes and are rarely, if ever, jealous. — Rules of thumb for improving and keeping friendships. Advise your kids not to use the phrase “best friend”. It can only cause trouble and isn’t really helpful. People are unique. Recognize the unique contributions that your friends make to your life instead of stacking them in a linear hierarchy. When in doubt about someone, ask yourself, “are they a positive influence in your life?”. You want friends that can make life more enjoyable, help you grow, and to lean on. But be careful. Sometimes, Growth friends are not fun to be around because they are honest and open about things that make us uncomfortable. Sometimes, Comfort friends are so comfortable around you they do and say and silly and immature things. Don’t mistake these qualities for a bad friend...it’s quite the opposite. Great friends trust us with their thoughts. I read a definition of friend recently that said, “a friend is someone you can share your half baked thoughts with”. We need to have friends we can relax around and not worry about everything we say. This is especially true for folks like your Dad that need to talk (or write 😉) to think things through. We didn’t talk much about when to end friendships. That’s a rather dark and sad reality that the kids have luckily avoided...but is inevitable. Here are two key things to look for in a friendship gone bad. First, "Pull back from people that don't listen". This is the advice from our family hero Jordan Peterson. Real friends will care about you enough to listen. Some people are more talkative, but if your "friend" generally redirects your conversations to their experiences and their interests than they are (not surprisingly) much more interested in themselves than you. Dr Peterson suggests that you pull back from people who don't listen because you devalue your own thoughts and feelings when you share them with someone who doesn't care. Second, good friends will be happy for you when you have something to celebrate. A good friend gone bad will often find ways to make you feel bad about good things that have happened to you. Be careful who you share good news with. -- I did say that while you won’t always be friends with folks you should always be friendly. On numerous occasions I’ve thought to myself, “now is that 1-in-a-million moment when it makes sense to really give so-and-so a piece of my mind” ... so far each of those times has proven to be a mistake.